TV and movies often show dramatic scenes where people argue and fight. The characters speak harsh words to each other but later the they forgive each other and move on.

In my experience all of this is wrong. Dead wrong. Lashing out in anger is always a bad idea. People don’t forget. People don’t forgive. It becomes an eternal wedge that you might never overcome.

Don’t believe the lie that you can speak in anger and everything will be OK. TV and movies are fictional.

Many years ago I had a great employee at my portrait studio. She was the office manager. We became friends. She and I would talk for hours about life, business and our families. She had three teenage kids at the time. One weekend she wanted to take her kids to visit her parents at their place in a remote place in Nevada. She wanted to go but needed a 4 wheel drive car to take them there. I lent them my 1995 Isuzu Trooper. They dropped off their car at my place and took my Trooper for the weekend.

The next Monday when her oldest son traded my Trooper for their car it was dirty and had spent .22 shells in it. They had been jackrabbit hunting in it. I was incensed. So angry.

I called her on my cell phone and yelled. It felt so good to channel my anger at her. I hung up and thought to myself “That was needed. I’m glad I did that.” I spent the day feeling good about my decision to “give her a piece of my mind.”

The next morning I realized that we had to go back to work together. Seeing her at the office was the most awkward thing I had ever experienced. She felt weird and ashamed. I felt awkward and sorry.

Eventually she told me that she didn’t know what had happened. She had gotten sick just before the trip so her husband and kids took my car. She didn’t know that her son had given it back to me like that. My call devastated her. She didn’t sleep at all that night. She was crying as she told me.

If I had just exercised patience and restraint I could have called and inquired about the Trooper. I later found out that her oldest son was the one who dropped it off. He had instructions from his dad to clean it up before he returned it to me. He didn’t want to take the time. He was 17 years old. He just dropped it off to me dirty.

I had ruined that relationship. She quit her job. She couldn’t trust me. I didn’t blame her.

Another time I was running a company with several employees in charge of the productions our product. I got angry when I asked them to do a new management system that would allow me to have a better grip on how much they were all working. It made sense to me. They felt slighted and untrusted.

I brought the entire crew into my office and chewed them out. They left my office hurt and angry. Several of them quit within a few months. I had once again lost their trust and confidence.

I have learned through these and other experiences to keep my cool. These days If I’m angry I don’t speak. I let the anger subside and I calmly explore the situation.

Of course, if you or your family members have a life threatening situation or there is an emergency situation there is room for acting quickly, even with anger. But the vast majority of situations don’t require immediate action.

Take a step back and think. Don’t just act in anger. It always goes badly.