Most people go through life listening to others very little. They focus on themselves.

You’ve met those people. They have no interest in hearing what you have to say. They wait impatiently for you to finish talking so they can say what they want to say.

It’s a shame because one of the most important needs that people have is to be heard and seen.

You have the ability to build better relationships simply by being a better listener.

Being heard and understood is one of the great desires of the human heart. – Richard Carlson, author of Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff.

I’ve thought a lot about listening. It’s been an interest of mine for decades. Even as a teenager I thought about it. Listening is a lost art, especially active, powerful listening.

People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care -Theodore Roosevelt

The goal of the powerful listener is to understand. Understanding someone else’s point of view can change yours. It also builds trust. Learn to listen and gain the benefits.

7 Tips for powerful listening

1. Actively listen

As you listen to someone nod your head or make affirming sounds that help them feel heard. Little words like “Uh huh”, “ya”, “ok”, “interesting”, “hmmm”, and so forth. Look them in the eye. Leave your phone in your pocket. Glancing at your phone tells the person that they’re not your priority.

2. Don’t interrupt

Let the person finish their thoughts. Encourage the speaker with pauses when appropriate.

Most people are nervous to have a lull in the conversation so they fill the air with words. I think it’s Ok to have a lull in the conversation if you’re thinking about what the other person is saying.

I lower my head to the right and cast my eyes downward. I’m thinking about what has been said. It can surprise the other person but I need that quiet time to process information sometimes. Usually they keep talking when I do that.

3. Master the Clarifying Question

It’s important to keep the conversation going with using clarifying questions. Ask follow up questions. One of my favorites is simply to ask “Why?” this gives the speaker another path to take in the conversation.

Here are some other good phrases to remember.

“What do you mean?”

“Why do you say that?”

“Does anyone else feel that way?”

“What else happened?”

“How do you feel about that?”

“What else happened?”

Clarifying help propel the conversation forward.

4. Recognize the Power of Opinions

Visualize your opinions as swords. I say swords because they can be that cutting. They can divide and create problems.

Far too many people charge ahead in a conversation with their opinions. Have you noticed that when you offer your opinions without an invitation it changes the energy of the conversation? It can ruin any conversation.

Of course, you need to share your thoughts in a conversation. You can’t just listen. But think about your opinions carefully and deliver them at the right time with brevity. People can understand what you’ve said very quickly, if you’re clear. No need to elaborate or reemphasize something. When they get it, they get it.

Don’t offer your opinion unless asked. Most people don’t want to hear it anyways. If they want your opinion let them ask for it. Opinions are always best served upon request. If they don’t ask for you opinion they don’t want it.

If someone asks your opinion make sure you are confident in that opinion. If not simply say “I’m not sure. Let me think about it.”

5. Don’t Should on Me

If you form a clear opinion be very careful with the word “Should.”

“You should go over there and give them a piece of your mind.

“You should just break up with him.”

“You should just stay another week.”

The word “should” creates a tacit expectation between you and the person who used the word “should” on you, an expectation that will need to be either followed up on or forgotten. But it creates tension and problems. Don’t do it. Ever.

6. Never Speak in Anger

Never speak in anger if the conversation is tense. It’s best to gain understanding before you respond with your opinion. But be very careful.

If you feel your blood rising because you’re getting angry hold your tongue. I know it feels good to lash out and say your feelings but I have never had success speaking in anger. It always makes a bad situation worse. Always.

If you can’t speak with full control of your emotions excuse yourself from the conversation. Say “I need to step out to clear my head.”

Never speak in anger. Never.

7. Summarize

When the powerful listener understands what the other person is saying then they respond with a summary of what they heard.

“So you’re saying that you don’t like peaches, even though everyone in your family likes them.” “Why is that?” “What else can you tell me about that?”

“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” –Stephen R. Covey

Seek to understand. Nothing else matters.

Encountering a powerful listener is so unusual. If you can master this skill you’ll find people telling you things they wouldn’t tell anyone else. And they’ll feel heard. That feels good.

Master the art of listening and you’ll be more valuable to everyone around you.